amhainn
http://20six.co.uk/amhainn
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rambling
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not keeping this blog up any more - have a new blog but don't want to publicise it here - i.e. link to it - so if you want to know the url, please e-mail me... bribes and hysterical begging will result in you having the url as soon as I can be bothered.
thanks to all who have read even a sentence of my drivel and I wish you all the best
cheery-bye, folks!
ps Sophie is well and if she cared, would wish you all the best too.
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I am currently reading "Resurrection Men" by Ian Rankin which I am enjoying - this is noteworthy for being the first novel in ages that I have read - first book indeed - probably since January - though the last time I was in Inverness I read "I, an actor" by Nicholas Craig - which is pretty slight although very funny.
I have also began studying again - lovely social constructionism and social policy.
But not all is wonderful here on the 15th floor - major decisions need to be made soon about Meaningful Activity - do I go to university, do I get a job, do I do neither, do I do both.
Reading a novel about someone's work (Rankin's book - it's a crime novel but I think of it as being about one guy's work - triggered some panic in my wee breastie about the wonderful world of paid work. Supposedly good for the mental health and well-being, it has in the past tended to exacerbate my insecurities and foibles.
Mind you, being conscious has this effect most days.
Am I better off (in all senses) as a wage slave or as a member of the scrounging underclass? And what about Society - how do I do less damage to It?
All these questions - and more - will be discussed on Wednesday morning - but until then, I am trying not to think about it.
"The trouble with you is that you think too much" - well said!
And sometimes I don't think at all.
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haven't blogged here in a long time... not sure why - life has been eventful and stressful but that usually ends up in more blogging, not less - not happy with 20six and not happy with how I've been blogging - I want it to be so wonderful and it is usually me ranting about some mundane thing that I have forgotten about a week later, but there it is haunting me on the web forever more...
years ago, I used to carry a notebook everywhere and scribble in it on the bus and at work (instead of working) and now I find myself again with a notebook trying to write all the things I need to do and go and get and stuff - I wonder if I should just revert to blogging on paper again? So retro. I could scan in the pages and post them here?
oh my god, I could start a new trend!!!!!
it is hard having a blog when the things which most exercise me are either so petty and routine and/or very personal (to do with my mental health or lack of) - I have tried to have a more public blog, where I comment on things in the real world to do with mental health etc. but half the time, I can't be bothered and the other half, I am so bothered, I can't face thinking it through enough to type a word
meanwhile, the way the bus driver looked at me funny or how nice the tree on Junction Bridge (you know the one!) is are more important to me for the five seconds I notice them than anything else
sometimes I want to spell everything out and sometimes I curse myself for not being more anonymous
like "who gives a fuck" and "oh my god, they all know everything about me" all mixed up in one small and defective brain... along with all the usual stuff about the woman in the chip shop looking at me funny and the lovely sound of children screaming in the playground 15 floors below me and why is the world so fucked up and how come I am nearly 40 and still freaking out about the sort of shit which I wrote out in long hand in my crappy diaries when I was 14?
nearly 40? yes, next wednesday - oh my god, now they can work out my date of birth and do all sorts of bad shit with my details
anyway, it means I am still breathing and it also means I am up past my bedtime so for now...
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bah humbug re images - will work on it later if/when I can be bothered.
Saw a dirty faced child on the bus today - amazing unusual blue eyes - you don't see so many dirty children these days, do you? in my day, we were all dirty, it was just how it was
Spent a lot in the shops today - first, the charity shops - got lots and lots of plastic plant pots for 5p each - and a mattress (for when I have visitors stay over - they get the bed and I sleep on the floor in the dirty spare room, sobbing quietly so I am not heard through the thin walls) and a drop leaf table on castors (for my laptop and associated bits and bobs) and a fridge (at long bloody last!) and a two seater sofa which will fit in the lift and through my ridiculously narrow living room door. The sofa is an old fashioned wooden upright thing with horribly patterned but firm cusions.
Why the sudden flurry of buying - well, my DLA arrived in the bank today so I could afford it - and my sister is due this weekend and my parents next month. I can manage indefinitely without these things but I know they will mutter and moan about not having anywhere to sit and how the taste of sour milk ruins their tea.
I also bought stuff in a German supermarket starting with L (as opposed to A - none within reasonable striking distance of me and/or accessible by bus) - seeds, and pak choi, and binoculars - great for spying on the neighbours but I fear I will just start monitoring the times of the buses... it is amazing how strong they are, how much I can see - they are a bit heavy though so not sure if I will be taking them outdoors much - but a wee walk along the Water of Leith yesterday had me itching to buy some - wanted to look at the ducks and that...
I should say I have not named the supermarket because I feel bad about having named the one yesterday (starts with T) and given them a free plug...
Burst into tears on the bus today when I heard The Day We Caught The Train by Ocean Colour Scene on the radio. And no dark glasses with me either - not sure where they are - maybe they have gone were the pasta I bought in the supermarket beginning with T and my ticket from Jerry Springer The Opera - which I saw last night and it was brilliant and made me feel good - even though someone I like was outside protesting, which upsets me somehow - ah well.
My final thoughts - time to Face Up To The Arms Trade
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trying again
photo should appear below - to go with yesterday's post
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Mobile Message
Sophie looks down on me from one of her favourite spots in the flat -
on the top stair - from where her purrs and grunts resound through
the flat
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