amhainn
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yesterday's conference was good but as usual, after these things, I get a horrible low mood at the end which lasted most of last evening - talking to the lovely K helped a bit as I made a real effort to be honest with him about how I felt. It is hard when I am feeling low to tell anyone - I believe no one is interested and nothing can help but also it is a physical effort to express it.
I came back on the train with someone I used to work with - in two organisations - she is someone I really like and found good to work with - but she brought me memories of my last paid job and it was difficult - I admitted it to her when I was saying good bye - I was avoiding her at the conference but she noticed me at the train station.
I can appear so together in public, but inside I am quaking. And the public mask - if it is a mask - takes it out of me in the long run.
Now the following day, I am struggling to make sense of it and make sense of this thing I call a life.
I feel stuck.
I don't know how to move on with stuff. I find myself still unsure of what it is I really want to do - I have some vague plans and ideas but they seem like stuff I say to fill the gaps - not things I really want. So what, I ask, but if I have to do stuff, it might as well be stuff I can commit to and do a good job at - I have had 20+ years of doing stuff because it was there to do.
But I have been persuaded that I am intelligent and have a lot to contribute - and my morals, the little I have, persuade me that it is not enough to drift through life anymore - I have to contribute. But how and what and where? No easy answers.
Meanwhile I fritter my time away playing cards on the laptop!
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2.12.05 09:16
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Currently out of the library and on my ticket  Going Buddhist: Panic and Emptiness, the Buddha and Me by Peter J. Conradi  My Friend Madame Zora by Jane Duncan  Social research : the basics Matthew David and Carole D. Sutton  The short day dying by Peter Hobbs  Nature cure by Richard Mabey
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2.12.05 20:03
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something I posted elsewhere but feel moved to copy here: Last night I went to a very stimulating lecture by Tom Devine, historian guy, called Transformation of Scotland 1980-2005 and it turns out to be part of a series of seminars put on by the Glasgow Centre for Population Health - the next one is called Where's the Evidence? The contribution of lay knowledge to reducing health inequalies. by Prof Jennie Popay, University of Lancaster on Tuesday 17 January, 2006. I think this promises to be very relevant to people who use MH (and other) services, especially those of us who are active in some shape or form in improving services, policy etc. Previous topics are also very relevant such as - Prof Anthony Grayling, Professor of Philosophy, Birkbeck College – 'Imagine the Perfect Polis: Creating Health in the City'
- Sholom Glouberman, PhD, Philosopher in Residence, Baycrest Centre for Geriatric Care, Toronto – ‘Changing Ideas – Changing Health’
- Professor Lord Richard Layard, Founder, Centre for Economic Performance, London School of Economics – ‘Happiness’
- Denys Candy, Managing Partner, Community Partners Institute, Pittsburgh – ‘The Art of Engagement’
You can download transcripts, summaries, slides and recordings of any of these lectures from http://www.gcph.co.uk/seminar1.htmIt is Glasgow-centric but in true Glasgow fashion, it seemed welcoming to this east-coast based person. A diversity of people from health, local authority etc backgrounds attended. Also there was a glass of wine or fruit juice and a decent buffet available afterwards. For more information and to sign up, go to
7.12.05 10:06
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Funny how things work out - I have been feeling unusually energetic and enthusiastic since Monday and am monitoring this in case it turns into hypomania - it has that familar feeling of being full to overflowing of joy - which is very pleasant indeed but in my experience, it does not last - so I am trying to keep some sort of handle on this, to make sure I use this new found energy to get things done without losing the head completely, running up debts, committing myself to too much, etc. etc.
The funny thing is that 7 weeks after sending off my form for my Incapacity Benefit, the good news came through yesterday that my benefit will continue for another year. The way I feel right now, I could take on the world, let alone a wee job - but let's take it one step at a time. The first thing I said when I opened the envelope and scanned the 4 pages of the letter to find out what the decision is - they bury it in the second page which only adds to the stress of getting the envelope! Anyway, the first thing I said was "good, I have it for another year, but by then I will be in college and working!" To which, my beloved could only respond by saying "steady on!" or something similar. Last Thursday night I was quite low and it took till Sunday to shake it off - then I wake up on Monday feeling wonderful.
Also funny, how I had become reconciled to my diagnosis being recurrent depressive disorder and nothing on the bipolar spectrum, and I get the signs of a hypomanic episode.
Of course, by funny, I mean peculiar, ironic etc. But it does make me smile thinking how I think life and my inner workings are so easily tidied away under certain headings such as INCAPABLE, DEPRESSED etc.
I am much more complex than those headings would suggest - shifting me into CAPABLE, HYPOMANIC would not be any more accurate.
I do feel more fired up, now I know where I am as regards my employability status and my income, to look forward more positively and purposefully and to work towards being in a paid job and studying...
I realise I have been kept in a sense of limbo over the past few weeks - diddering over the smallest thing because I could not be sure where I would be as regards what benefit I would be on and what pressure I would be to accept a job, any job.
Anyway, it is good news for me and for those who have had to deal with me muttering about it the past few months since I got the form (September, I think!)
Meanwhile, Christmas is ahead of me and I have a form for university and thoughts about ideal work placements and possibility of volunteer work which would be sooo cool if it comes off - and at the back of mind, there is a dull, sensible voice saying "one step at a time, Anne, easy does it!"
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7.12.05 11:07
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Well, I talked too soon re: my good mood as I had a bad reaction to one of those ordinary things today - I am ok now, so I suppose I am getting more resilient. What happened was that when I went to collect my prescription, there was only one medication listed - so I asked why? Turns out my GP had not put the anti-depressant on repeat so I could not get a prescription for it without seeing a doctor - and the next appointment I could get was Monday - and I had run out of that medication. Going without is not very pleasant physically even for a couple of days. I felt so angry that I left the surgery and then realised I had to ask if there was some way I could get a prescription sooner. Receptionist was very helpful, said she could get me into see my ex-GP in 20 minutes - but she knew I did not like that one so while I was waiting, she went off and spoke to the 3rd GP in the practice (mine only works part-time) who signed a prescription for me.
I was very touched that she did that. People moan about GPs' receptionists but the staff at this surgery are great - not a bad word to say about them, even before this.
I felt quite shaken by how angry I had felt, how personally I had taken this mistake on my GP's part... so glad I did not lose my temper or burst into tears or do anything else stupid... I felt exhausted and confused.
Now I am safely at home, feeling a lot better mentally and physically. I put my Christmas tree up this morning - it is only 60 cm high, a fibre-optic one I have had for years now - likes great twinkling away in the corner. And a wee bit of tinsel up and all.
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9.12.05 21:38
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for the first time in my life, I am dying - clothes! On an impulse a couple of days ago, I bought some green clothes dye and I am dying my coat (it was a pale khaki green sort of colour) and two (white) t-shirts - all looks green in the washing machine as I speak. I wonder how they will look once it is all done. Such a small thing yet one which is full of excitement for me.
I knew someone who always wore pink and orange - I admired the look on them - but recently, I have been thinking about my clothes - mostly shabby, baggy jeans, loose black or brown t-shirts, that pale khaki green coat - the last time I felt really on the ball, I was very interested in my clothes and was quite smart... I thought about choosing two colours like that pink and orange person - and sticking to them - green and black seem to be the obvious ones for me and things like my brown suede coat would go well with that combination. I have a lot of black things but not many green things - hence the dye!
It never occured to me till I bought the dye that the person in pink and orange must have simply bought white clothes and dyed them the required colours - they were almost always the same shade of pink and orange - I just assumed she was lucky to be able to find the colours she most wanted. As they were not colours I had ever considered wearing, I did not know how easily available these colours were.
Not sure what I will do about my jeans, though - I can't find any black jeans in my size at the moment, so it looks like the denim will have to be part of my look for a while yet.
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10.12.05 10:47
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